What About Me? Wednesdays

Today I'm starting a weekly series, which I've decided to call What About Me Wednesdays. Every Wednesday, I'm going to focus on self-care for the non-ADD spouse.

When two people get together, they learn to compromise. It's the friendly alternative to homicide. But when your partner has ADD, you don't get to meet in the middle the way other couples do. You meet about 3/4 of the way to the ADD side of the road. In exchange, you get a partner who will never, ever bore you as long as you both shall live. It's a fair trade.

You grow accustomed to things in your house being out of place, or not even having a place. You get used to eating dinner on the fly. You don't even mind being woken up out of a deep sleep by a crazy person trying to recall the theme from Mr. Belvedere.

But what about you? You used to go to bed at the same time every night. You used to buy toilet paper before you ran out. You really had it together. You were bored off your ass, but you could find your keys.

So my self-care advice for the very first What About Me Wednesday is this: You don't have to understand your partner in order to support your partner.

Do I think it's a good idea to read books about ADD and learn the basics? Absolutely. But you're never going to comprehend the inner workings of your own spouse. They are one of a kind. So give up the psychoanalysis and embrace the fact that you have chosen to spend your life with someone truly unique and unpredictable. Plenty of people would trade places with you in a heartbeat.

Once you learn that, and accept it, you'll be clearing the way for more and more happiness to come into your life. You'll free up a lot of mental and emotional energy when you stop trying to find all the answers. Loving and appreciating your partner for their ADD is a big step in taking care of yourself.

 

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Comments

[Attentive]

As a male in a technical job, I found myself HAVING to know what was going on with my "crazy" fiancée. Being a male, I'm a born problem solver. I couldn't understand why she would put the plates away differently each time she did the washing up (why didn't she learn from repetition? we'd been living together for ages), or why any place in the house is a good place to kick off the shoes and get changed.

Since coming to the firm realisation that my fiancée had ADD and read up some of the behavioural patterns that ADD presents, I feel that everything is so perfectly clear! I now understand why she does the things she does. I can now move on.

Next phase: working with ADD to increase her productivity (i.e., make her less lazy). ;)

[CT]

Erin: May I jump in here?

Dude! You are such a lucky man. Your marriage should never, ever get boring. Lock and load!

In my house, I'm the random one and my wife is the process queen. I mean, she tracks all our expenses over $2.00 on an Access database that she developed from scratch. Using double-entry accounting. (Maybe in reaction to me giving the Minister at our wedding a check that bounced!?)

25 years later, I can tell you:
#1 Enjoy the ride, it will be fun.
And
#2 NOT LAZY!!! Dangerous word!!!

Search and Replace All Instances with your choice of "bored" "distracted" "preoccupied" or even "unaware of problem." But don't tag her with the L word. Establish that 'output data validation rule' right now!!! (Could be some serious emotional scarring surrounding that word... very common issue among us kids who grew up ADD and misunderstood.

Best to you Both!

[Erin]

Nicely put, CT. Lazy is a 4-letter word! And by the way, your wife's database sounds awesome :)

[Attentive]

In our house, Lazy is not one of the naughty 4-letter words, and while I'm tempted to list all the 4-letter naughty words I know, I wont :).

Lazy is her word she uses to describe herself because she's bored, distracted and doesn't want to wax on lyrically using big words when a simple diminutive word will suffice. I know she doesn't do the housework from apathy, it's from a misdirected attention and a constant desire for instant gratification (gotta keep those dopamine receptors active!)

I work a full-time job and then come home to cook, clean, do the housework and then go to bed. I'm just trying to find ways for her to do some of the work that needs doing so we can relax and spend more time together.