So I Married an ADDer

What About Me? Wednesday: On Scaffolding

When you were a kid, it was your parents' responsibility to provide what Dr. Tom Brown calls "scaffolding"—structure, routine, and boundaries that kept you from running amok. Kids can't build this scaffolding themselves (as evidenced by my new favorite show, Kid Nation—the kids could barely function until the host stepped in and gave them some direction).

This is the reason many people are not diagnosed with ADD until adulthood. Their parents provided such strong scaffolding that their ADD challenges did not surface until that scaffolding was removed. When you leave the nest, so to speak, it's up to you to decide when to go to bed, when to wash the dishes, when to pay the bills, etc. ADDers can have a hard time creating and sticking to their own structure. But what about us, their partners?

I'm thinking about scaffolding today because I'm having a hard time with mine. I've been working from home with Jen for over two months, and I'm still struggling to nail down a routine. People tend to think working from home is a dream come true (and in many ways, it is) but it requires self-discipline and, more importantly, balance.

As I've mentioned before, Jen and I have different biorhythms. Our energy peaks at different times. I need to start working as soon as I wake up; Jen needs a few hours to ease into the day. In the beginning, I made the mistake of following Jen's routine myself, and that was a disaster.

So I made a commitment to working hours that take advantage of my energy levels, and that helped. But I still felt completely disorganized and overwhelmed. Jen helped me figure out that I needed to have a basic layout for my whole week, not just one day at a time.

Here are a few examples of my new weekly structure:

Monday mornings, I do the finances. Tuesday mornings, I work on luvmutt. Wednesday afternoons are marked "Happy Homemaker" because that's when I clean the house. Thursdays I catch up on projects and to-do's; Fridays are focused on business development. If I stuck to it, this scaffolding would work really well for me.

But I haven't been sticking to it. I'm sabotaging myself. This week, I did Tuesday's work on Monday (in addition to Monday's work), so I could work on a big project on Tuesday. But the house was filthy, so I spent Tuesday being "Happy Homemaker". Now it's Wednesday, I have no idea what I'm doing, and I feel totally frazzled. I have things I didn't finish on Monday and a big project hanging over my head.

I feel like I have ADD! Jen keeps encouraging me to stick to my structure. It's funny that I'm learning about structure from Jen—I'm supposed to be the organized one. But she's been working from home a lot longer than I have, so this is one area where the tables are turned.

What lessons have you learned from your ADD partner?

 

Jen's new book, Odd One Out: The Maverick's Guide to Adult ADD, is now shipping. Get your copy today!

ADD Chefery

As much as Jen sometimes drives me crazy, I can't hold anything against her because she cooks my food.

Jen is an excellent cook, which I believe is partly due to her ADD, since cooking requires multitasking, improvisation, problem solving, and creativity.

Also, I can't cook, and I've given up trying to learn. So Jen is in charge of meals.

For the most part, we eat local, farm-fresh food, which is not as difficult to obtain as it sounds (try localharvest.org). After years of cooking, Jen still gets excited about working with high-quality ingredients, and she loves comparing products from different farms.

When I was growing up, my mother rotated the same dinner recipes week after week. So did Jen's mom. But because she's a "chef" with ADD, Jen's cooking never lacks variety. The only thing she makes more than once a season is chili. Every other meal is either making its debut on the table or was a big hit the year before.

Cooking itself gives Jen an outlet for her creativity, which every ADDer needs. ADD chefery is not without its pitfalls, though. There was the time Jen made blueberry pork chops. The recipe called for cranberries, but the store didn't have any, so Jen got blueberries instead. Not her finest moment in the kitchen, but at least we laugh about it now.

This is just one of the reasons I'm grateful for Jen's ADD. If she were a less creative chef, dinner would be really boring. Is your ADDer a good cook?

Orders are now being accepted for Jen's new book, Odd One Out: The Maverick's Guide to Adult ADD. Reserve your copy today!

Return of the ADD Bunny

From the archives: the bunny version of my ADD partner.

 

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Presale Ends Saturday!

Being married to an ADDer is not always easy, especially when they're writing a book. Jen has worked extremely hard on her new book, and it shows. It's been a lifelong dream of hers, and I couldn't be more proud of her. And you know what? It's a great book.

So without further adieu, I want to let you know that Jen's book, Odd One Out: The Maverick's Guide to Adult ADD, will only be available at the presale price until midnight (EDT) on Saturday. 

We are wrapping up preproduction on the book, and as soon as they pull that lever on the printing press it's going up to retail price.

So until midnight (EDT) on Saturday, September 22, you can reserve your copy of Odd One Out for just $16.95, which includes shipping to the U.S.

This the best price you will find on the book. Amazon will be selling it for a much higher price, as will your local bookstore. Buying it directly from us, especially on presale, is your best bet!

So don't wait - reserve your copy today!

It's ADD Pirate Day!

Today's What About Me? Wednesday post has been usurped by both ADHD Awareness Day and International Talk Like a Pirate Day, two annual occasions which fate has cruelly overlapped this year to form what I'm calling ADD Pirate Day.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the ADDers I know don't need an excuse to hyperfocus on something ridiculous and talk like a pirate all day. In fact, I'm willing to bet that ADD Pirate Day turns into ADD Pirate Month around here. Anticipating her chance to annoy me even more than usual, Jen asked me this morning, "You know you're f**ked today, right?"

Pirates aside for the moment, ADHD Awareness Day (now in its fourth year) comes with a resolution from the U.S. Senate that "encourages all Americans to find out more about ADHD, support ADHD mental health services, and observe the day with appropriate programs and activities." Including, but not limited to, talking like a pirate.

If you're new to the ADD world and are looking for more information, the Attention Deficit Disorder Association (ADDA) has some great stuff going on to promote Awareness Day. CHADD is another great resource.

So drop yer anchors and stay for some grog. It be ADHD Awareness Day! Yarrr!

What About Me? Wednesday: When Your ADDer is Stressed

Since I got together with Jen, I've developed a habit of taking on extra responsibility in order to ease her stress. As we all know, ADDers get stressed out and overwhelmed very easily. You can't help but want to lighten the load.

In fact, I was inspired to write this post after I went downstairs to get Jen a cup of coffee, even though she said she would get it herself. You see, she's been working extremely hard on her book and has been under a lot of stress lately. So I've tried to make her life easier by voluntarily doing the household tasks that would normally be up to her.

But despite my good intentions, helping has not been helpful to Jen. Taking over her responsibilities around the house interferes with her structure. I wrongly assumed that she wouldn't want to keep up her routine in times of stress (and we all know what happens when you assume - you make an ass out of u and me).

Worst of all, I'm not doing the extra work with a smile on my face - I'm very bitter about it. I'm bitter about the things I'm volunteering to do. And Jen doesn't want me to do them anyway!

I'm willing to bet that a lot of non-ADD spouses go out of their way to ease their partner's feelings of overwhelm, only to end up feeling bitter about it. But what's the point of helping if you're going to be bitter about it?

Lesson learned: just worry about my own responsibilities. If Jen needs help, she'll ask.

 

Presale orders are now being accepted for Jen's new book, Odd One Out: The Maverick's Guide to Adult ADD. Reserve your copy today and save!

The Life and Times of Timmy

I've lost Jen. This happens from time to time. Like all ADDers, she's susceptible to periods of hyperfocus. A couple of times a year, she stays up all night scouring the internet for obscure information. This past weekend, starting on Friday afternoon, she got involved in the Timmy scandal.

I don't know who Timmy is, and in fact, no one does. That's the problem. An anonymous blogger in the entertainment industry is stringing along hundreds of people with a very juicy story. Evidently, many years ago, there was a famous Hollywood actress who was actually a man. The blogger has been dropping cryptic hints here and there and promises to reveal Timmy's true identity next week. But Jen and others like her are desperate to solve the mystery before the big reveal.

So I've had a lot of "me time" since the Timmy saga began. It's nice, but I do get bored without Jen to talk to. Plus, I know it doesn't do her any good to lose sleep over something that has no relevance whatsoever to her life. On Friday night, I literally stared her down over the computer screen for a good 30 minutes before I could get her to come to bed.

But in her defense, she's been trying really hard to stay off the website since Saturday. She even shut down her computer and asked me to hide our laptop. Now that's ADD management!

I have to admit it's kind of annoying when my partner is consumed with something that doesn't interest me at all. But she deals with my idiosyncrasies, so it's only fair that I tolerate hers.

Plus, I really want to know who Timmy is. 

 

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What About Me? Wednesday: Not Now

One of the biggest challenges for adults with ADD is time management. Jen helps her clients figure out what they need to do and plan the time to get it done. Some people work best when they plan their day out to the minute; some prefer to have a general idea of what they need to accomplish, and go from there.

Jen falls into the second category. Her time management strategies work well for her. She's fully aware of what she needs to do, but she doesn't plan her day down to the minute. It's too much of a constraint, and I totally understand that. But I do wish she could map out her day with a little more detail, for my sake.

Client appointments have their set times, as do certain other business commitments. But things like meals and errands are up in the air. Those responsibilities get stuck in the "Now/Not Now" continuum.

Any questions like, "Do you know what time you're going to the store?" are met with "I'm not there right now. I don't want to think about it."

I've tried being less direct, asking instead, "Can you give me a sense of how your day is going to play out?" The answer is always "Not now. I don't know yet."

Whatever Jen is doing Now is the only thing she wants to think about. Nothing else matters, nothing else requires a plan. It drives me insane. I like to know, for my own purposes, what Jen's day is going to look like so I can plan my own day.

So my advice for today actually comes from Jen. She says, "Why do you care what I'm doing? Just do whatever you want."

We, as spouses of plan-free ADDers, need to stop caring so much about what our ADDer is doing with their time, and start focusing on what we're doing with our time. After all, does it really matter what time they go to the store as long as they go? I often bring up the example of 3AM trips to Wal-Mart. If that's the way they want to do things, then just leave them be. You don't have to plan around them.

Just do your own thing, and your ADD partner is bound to cross your path when it counts.

 

Presale orders are now being accepted for Jen's new book, Odd One Out: The Maverick's Guide to Adult ADD. Reserve your copy today and save!