What About Me? Wednesday: When Your ADDer is Stressed

Since I got together with Jen, I've developed a habit of taking on extra responsibility in order to ease her stress. As we all know, ADDers get stressed out and overwhelmed very easily. You can't help but want to lighten the load.

In fact, I was inspired to write this post after I went downstairs to get Jen a cup of coffee, even though she said she would get it herself. You see, she's been working extremely hard on her book and has been under a lot of stress lately. So I've tried to make her life easier by voluntarily doing the household tasks that would normally be up to her.

But despite my good intentions, helping has not been helpful to Jen. Taking over her responsibilities around the house interferes with her structure. I wrongly assumed that she wouldn't want to keep up her routine in times of stress (and we all know what happens when you assume - you make an ass out of u and me).

Worst of all, I'm not doing the extra work with a smile on my face - I'm very bitter about it. I'm bitter about the things I'm volunteering to do. And Jen doesn't want me to do them anyway!

I'm willing to bet that a lot of non-ADD spouses go out of their way to ease their partner's feelings of overwhelm, only to end up feeling bitter about it. But what's the point of helping if you're going to be bitter about it?

Lesson learned: just worry about my own responsibilities. If Jen needs help, she'll ask.

 

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Comments

[Valerie]

Oh, Erin! Is it love or is it....codependence? Great job figuring this out.

Thanks so much for taking the time to blog, and for your fresh and honest writing. I look forward to each entry with great anticipation and usually end up sitting my non-ADD sweetie down to read it. The bedtime column with the clip from Sesame Street was so right on that I laughed myself sick...and I now hear things like "would you puhleeze shut the boogie-woogie sheep (my cats) out of the (bed)room."

[John M]

The hardest part of dealing with my ADD spouse is keeping my Ego in check. There have been times when I have assumed the role of martyr. It can be an easy role to assume when you have to do additional tasks and chores to keep your household and your ADD spouse functioning.

Assuming the role of Martyr makes you feel morally superior, but it comes with not only the additional responsiblity but with hidden emotional conflict. When you ADD spouse is stressed and hyperfocused you assume it is your fault because you have not done enough to ease their stress. If your ADD spouse misses an appointment or deadline you feel responsible for their failure. However when your ADD spouse succeeds the satisfcation that you should feel for contributing to the success is tainted because your role as the superior martyr spouse is eroding.

[Jen Koretsky]

As ADDers, I think we love our partners for trying to help out and shoulder some extra burden. Unfortunately, as Valerie pointed out, it can easily lead to an unhealthy dependence.

John M - I think you hit it dead on. It's so important for *everyone* to put on their own oxygen mask first.

Valerie - I can't even believe how much I am Ernie! Never would have realized it if Erin didn't point it out.

:)

[Pann]

Wow. This is so much like my own experience.

I will be back to read more!