What About Me? Wednesday: Not Now

One of the biggest challenges for adults with ADD is time management. Jen helps her clients figure out what they need to do and plan the time to get it done. Some people work best when they plan their day out to the minute; some prefer to have a general idea of what they need to accomplish, and go from there.

Jen falls into the second category. Her time management strategies work well for her. She's fully aware of what she needs to do, but she doesn't plan her day down to the minute. It's too much of a constraint, and I totally understand that. But I do wish she could map out her day with a little more detail, for my sake.

Client appointments have their set times, as do certain other business commitments. But things like meals and errands are up in the air. Those responsibilities get stuck in the "Now/Not Now" continuum.

Any questions like, "Do you know what time you're going to the store?" are met with "I'm not there right now. I don't want to think about it."

I've tried being less direct, asking instead, "Can you give me a sense of how your day is going to play out?" The answer is always "Not now. I don't know yet."

Whatever Jen is doing Now is the only thing she wants to think about. Nothing else matters, nothing else requires a plan. It drives me insane. I like to know, for my own purposes, what Jen's day is going to look like so I can plan my own day.

So my advice for today actually comes from Jen. She says, "Why do you care what I'm doing? Just do whatever you want."

We, as spouses of plan-free ADDers, need to stop caring so much about what our ADDer is doing with their time, and start focusing on what we're doing with our time. After all, does it really matter what time they go to the store as long as they go? I often bring up the example of 3AM trips to Wal-Mart. If that's the way they want to do things, then just leave them be. You don't have to plan around them.

Just do your own thing, and your ADD partner is bound to cross your path when it counts.

 

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Comments

[Jean]

As the wife af an ADDer, I care because the NOW is often an urgent NOW as important things have been ignored until NOW and NOW I have to scramble to help my husband do whatever it is that needs to get done. I feel like an enabler, which I am not really, since it's not behavior that really can be modified. I think as an ADD spouse you just have to have a sort of "fill-in-the-blanks" type personality. The sad part about that is you are often waiting in the wings to swooop in and save the day. It's easier to help if you know what to expect. In any event, my husband is worth all the extra effort, and I'm sure Jen is too!