So I Married an ADDer

What About Me Wednesday: On Letting Kids Be Themselves

Today is Halloween, and every year I find myself reminiscing about Halloweens past. It was always one of my favorite holidays as a kid, chiefly because I loved wearing a costume to school.

Some years I dressed as something unexciting and common, like a rabbit or a pirate. Other years I dressed as characters that adults recognized, but kids didn't (Groucho Marx, age 8, Elvira, age 10).

But it was in 6th grade that I wore a costume that still makes my mother cringe.

I was into theater as a kid (still am), and I had just been to see Les Miserables on Broadway. In the show, one of the female characters falls on hard times and turns to prostitution. She and her fellow prostitutes sing a song called "Lovely Ladies". It's an upbeat song with a great hook (strangely enough for a song that deals with such a degrading, unfortunate subject). As an 11-year-old, I thought it was one of the best numbers in the show. The women who sang it were listed in the Playbill as "whores". I had no idea what that meant, but I decided I wanted to be one for Halloween.

"Mom, I want to dress up as one of the characters in Les Miz," I said. My mother took that to mean I wanted to dress up as a woman from nineteenth century Paris. So we assembled a costume out of the dress I wore in West Side Story, fishnet stockings, and a hot pink feather boa. Very French Revolution.

I went to school dressed like that on Halloween. And my math teacher, Mr. Joseph, brought his video camera. One at a time, everyone in my class stood up and told the camera what we were for Halloween. It played out something like this:

Kid 1: "I'm a princess."
Kid 2: "I'm a vampire."
Me: "I'm a whore."

Mr. Joseph was dumbstruck. With the camera still rolling, he corrected me, "Uh...we call them ladies of the evening."

I had no idea what he meant, or what was wrong with being a whore for Halloween. I think at that point one of my less-sheltered friends explained to me what a whore was. For the rest of the day, I said I was dressed as a dancer.

I decided to share this story with you because I know a lot of you are parents, and a lot of you (like me) are planning to become parents in the future. Of course everyone wants the best for their kids, and that's an easy goal to fulfill when your kids fit the mold...and not as easy when they don't.

For example, say you have two children. Little Jacob is on the soccer team, loves video games, and wants to be Spider-Man for Halloween; little Emily plays the trombone, collects insects, and wants to be Richard Nixon for Halloween. Or a whore. The point is, as a parent you have to let Jacob be Jacob and Emily be Emily, even if Jacob's interests are totally mainstream and Emily's are a little out there. If you try to steer Emily in another direction, it will hurt her self-esteem.

This is especially important for kids with ADD. They already feel different from other kids, and that on its own can be isolating and hard to cope with. They need solid support and encouragement from their parents, no matter what choices they make (unless of course they're endangering themselves).

In our new coaching toolkit, Taming the Family Circus, a good portion of the program is devoted to focusing on your child's strengths. You may think that as a parent (or future parent), you'll do that instinctively. But there are actually specific techniques you can use to bolster a kid's self-esteem. Jen and Sharon cover them all in the toolkit. And just a reminder, today is the last day the toolkit is available at the pre-sale price of $37 (it's going up to $47 tomorrow). Also, you can get free shipping by using the code POFSH (which also expires today). So before your little monsters and witches come home from school, grab a copy of Taming the Family Circus for yourself.

Have a Happy Halloween!

It Runs in the Family

We at the ADD Management Group are proud to announce our brand new coaching toolkit, Taming the Family Circus: Solutions for AD/HD Parents with AD/HD Kids.

Created by Founder and Coach Jennifer Koretsky and Coach Sharon Howell, this multimedia program is guaranteed to help parents take control of the chaos that reigns over so many AD/HD households. Jen and Sharon walk you through a step-by-step process that teaches you how to create a calm, nurturing, and stress-free home environment.

Jen and Sharon created this program with ADD parents in mind, but I edited the audio, and I can tell you first hand that this program applies to all families. Whether you have one person with ADD, or two, or three, or even zero, these universal solutions will help you control the chaos in your home. In fact, we're so sure of it that we're offering a 110% guarantee.

Not only that, but if you order by this Wednesday, October 31st, you'll pay only $37, a savings of 20% off the retail price. And readers of this blog will receive free shipping as well (just use the coupon code POFSH).

Click here to learn more or get your copy of Taming the Family Circus now!

Order this toolkit because you want to be the best parent you can be. Order this toolkit because you want your home to be a fun and relaxing place to be. Order this toolkit because you want your children to be as happy and self-confident as this adorable German boy:

(My favorite part is when his mother tells him to go run through the forest because his pill stopped working.)

P.S. Don't forget to use the coupon code POFSH to get free shipping! 

Someone took Jen.

There's an impostor in my house. She woke up with her alarm this morning. She didn't press snooze at all. She got up and made the dogs' breakfast (usually it's me), and I'm pretty sure she was singing as she did. She only had one cup of coffee as opposed to the usual 3, and she hasn't stressed out about a single thing at work. She even changed the toilet paper roll in the downstairs bathroom. I have no idea who this woman is, but she's a keeper.

The reason for this sudden morph into Mary Poppins? Really good food. It's amazing how much of an affect it can have on a person. Click the links below to read Jen's account. You'll be inspired.

A Maverick Approach to Diet and Health
I've Never Felt Better

Dumbwaiter

I joke a lot with Jen about needing a dumbwaiter installed in our house (it's a small elevator to move things between floors). At the end of every day, we wind up with so many dishes and glasses upstairs that it takes multiple trips to bring them down to be washed.  I do my best to bring my dishes downstairs when I'm done with them so they don't build up. Jen prefers to leave glasses and coffee mugs strewn across her desk. Sometimes I bring up a broiler pan to use as a tray to carry everything, which looks ghetto. So we refer to me as the dumbwaiter.

I googled "dumbwaiter" to look for an image to go with this post, and I was shocked to find that you can actually have a motorized dumbwaiter installed in your house! If you can afford it, that would be an excellent splurge for ADD households. Surely we're not the only family that accumulates a ton of downstairs stuff upstairs and vice versa. I really want one!

What About Me? Wednesday: On Piles

In case you're just tuning in, I do not have ADD. My partner Jen does, but I don't. So by default, I'm more inclined to keep things neat and organized, stay on top of paperwork, and all those tasks that fall under what I like to call "life admin". And since I'm also Jen's business partner, I get all the business admin, too.

But even though I'm ADD-free, I'm not superhuman. I get behind on boring tasks, I procrastinate, and worst of all, I make piles. When I joined AMG full time in July, I was supposed to organize and systematize everything. I was going to turn this place into a well-oiled machine.

But I fell into a clutter trap. I started making piles of papers which I labeled (literally) "To Be Filed", "To Do", "Pending", etc. Completely arbitrary names for random piles that kept accumulating behind my back. I added "deal with piles" to my to-do list to no avail. They sat there for 3 months.

When the dog started napping on my piles, I realized I needed help. And then I smacked myself in the head, because Jen's Kiss Your Clutter Goodbye toolkit was literally right in front of me the whole time. I had spent hours editing the audio CD, so I knew it inside out, but I didn't think to apply her methods to my own clutter.

So I revisited Kiss Your Clutter Goodbye and finally got through my piles. I can proudly say now that every single piece of paper is either filed or shredded. Not only that, but I'm following the strategy for keeping the piles from coming back.

Don't you love when the solution to a problem is right under your nose?
   

And now, the news.

I know ADD has its challenges, but it probably won't make you lie about stabbing your grandmother to get out of a boring interrogation. And when the cops find your stash, don't tell them that the Queen said it was okay. Also, if you have an ADD lawyer, make sure they have a good paralegal.

ADDA still has two regional conferences left, in Atlanta and Chicago. Go on, it'll be fun!

Just an Update

What About Me? Wednesday came and went with no blog post. I've been working from home for 3 months now and I'm still floundering. It's not as easy as it sounds! Jen's newsletter this week was on the importance of structure. I've certainly talked enough about structure—you would think I'd have it together by now.

But things have been crazy around here, what with Jen's book taking off and the CHADD conference coming up in less than a month. My to-do list is a mile long and I have to reshuffle my priorities several times a day because things pop up out of nowhere. We're also making a concerted effort to eat real food, so I don't have Diet Coke to back me up when my energy gets low (but that's for the best). Rascal is a nut case, my mother is moving to the other side of the country, and I'm starting to prepare myself for a long-awaited return to local theatre.

Sometimes I wonder if by marrying an ADDer I signed up for an ADD life. But even though there's a lot going on, it's better to be busy than bored!

Is anyone going to the CHADD conference next month? Jen and I will be there (in our own fancy booth) and we're going to coordinate some kind of meetup. Let us know if we'll be seeing you!

Pop Psychology Friday

We had some fun earlier this week with the alternative Myers-Briggs personality types. Jen made a blind item out of it on her blog and people tried to guess what type she was (for the record, she's a Cult Leader, and a good one at that).

I studied a great deal about cults in college, but the only thing I remember about them is that I'd make a great candidate for recruitment. Maybe that's why I was drawn to Jen. Hmm.

According to the real Myers-Briggs personality test (which is based on the theories of our buddy Carl Jung, so take them with a grain of salt) Jen is a "teacher" (enthusiastic, imaginative, helpful) and I am an "inspector" (serious, practical, orderly).

I wanted to see how compatible we were according to these descriptions. What I found was this, from personalitytype.com:  

How to Love an ISTJ (an Erin):

• Appreciate my common sense, practical, and steady approach to life.    
• Respect my need for routine and order; avoid sudden changes.
• Listen attentively and respectfully.
• Try to be calm, honest and specific when discussing problems.
• Give me plenty of time to think things through before discussing them. 
• Above all - Notice and acknowledge my hard work and commitment to our family's needs.

How to Love an ENFJ (a Jen):

• Encourage me to express my feelings and opinions.
• Share your own reactions and emotions with me.
• Tell me how much you love me and appreciate all the ways I enrich your life.
• Make the effort to really get to know and understand my philosophical nature.
• Try to keep our home orderly.
• Above all - support my feelings and work to restore harmony between us quickly.

Now, there are 16 personality types and 136 different type combinations, but if these two sets of guidelines don't apply to all ADD relationships, I'll eat Carl Jung's hat. Post them on the fridge!

 

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What About Me? Wednesday: On Impulsivity

We all know that one of the hallmark characteristics of ADD is impulsivity. Now, that can be a fun personality trait for your partner to have. It means they're spontaneous, adventurous, and energetic. We've all seen a hundred romantic comedies where a whirlwind, carefree Meg Ryan-type sweeps a stodgy, no-fun loser off his feet. It makes us feel warm and fuzzy. We say to ourselves, "How sweet. The boring accountant is moving out of his mother's basement to travel the world with this vivacious, unpredictable woman. That worked out nicely for him."

But as we all know, impulsivity has a dark side. Look at poor Britney, will you? She clearly regrets that impulsive decision to shave her head, as evidenced by all the wigs she's been sporting since the incident. Did you ever stop to consider how Britney's closest confidantes felt that day? The people who stand by her and try to be supportive? K-Fed is out of the picture, but what about her mother? Her sister? Her publicist? They were probably at home, tearing their own hair out as she shaved off hers. It's hard to have someone's back when they're so spontaneous that you can't keep up.

I learned this today. Jen and I were getting ready to take the dogs for a hike. I was ready and waiting for her in my office. The next thing I know, she appears in my doorway with an electric shaver. I was like hell no. Jen has been complaining about her hair since she got it cut a few weeks ago. She went in with an awesome Victoria Beckham cut, wanting a trim, but the hairdresser reshaped the whole style.  I thought it looked fine, but Jen has been freaking out for weeks about "being seen with 90's hair". So it shouldn't have surprised me when she insisted I shave off the back.

I have never cut hair. I am afraid to cut hair. Mistakes made with a razor are irreversible mistakes, and I'm not comfortable with anything irreversible. But Jen was a woman on a mission this afternoon, and there was no talking her out of it. Not only was I worried about butchering her hair, I was worried about the suffering I would endure if that happened. What about me?! It's one thing to make a horrible mistake—it's another thing to make a horrible mistake with an accomplice. Because you can blame them.

Jen promised she wouldn't be upset with me as long as I did what she said. So I very carefully shaved the back of her hair really short (not bald), and it turned out fine. She looks good—kind of like Posh herself.  I can't even tell you how relieved I am.

So today's What About Me? Wednesday lesson is this: Having an impulsive ADDer for a partner can be really fun. But it can also give you ulcers. You can't have one without the other, so you better learn to enjoy it. Just make them put it in writing that they won’t blame you for going along with their impulsive decisions.

 

Jen's new book, Odd One Out: The Maverick's Guide to Adult ADD, is now shipping. Get your copy today!