What About Me? Wednesday: On Impulsivity

We all know that one of the hallmark characteristics of ADD is impulsivity. Now, that can be a fun personality trait for your partner to have. It means they're spontaneous, adventurous, and energetic. We've all seen a hundred romantic comedies where a whirlwind, carefree Meg Ryan-type sweeps a stodgy, no-fun loser off his feet. It makes us feel warm and fuzzy. We say to ourselves, "How sweet. The boring accountant is moving out of his mother's basement to travel the world with this vivacious, unpredictable woman. That worked out nicely for him."

But as we all know, impulsivity has a dark side. Look at poor Britney, will you? She clearly regrets that impulsive decision to shave her head, as evidenced by all the wigs she's been sporting since the incident. Did you ever stop to consider how Britney's closest confidantes felt that day? The people who stand by her and try to be supportive? K-Fed is out of the picture, but what about her mother? Her sister? Her publicist? They were probably at home, tearing their own hair out as she shaved off hers. It's hard to have someone's back when they're so spontaneous that you can't keep up.

I learned this today. Jen and I were getting ready to take the dogs for a hike. I was ready and waiting for her in my office. The next thing I know, she appears in my doorway with an electric shaver. I was like hell no. Jen has been complaining about her hair since she got it cut a few weeks ago. She went in with an awesome Victoria Beckham cut, wanting a trim, but the hairdresser reshaped the whole style.  I thought it looked fine, but Jen has been freaking out for weeks about "being seen with 90's hair". So it shouldn't have surprised me when she insisted I shave off the back.

I have never cut hair. I am afraid to cut hair. Mistakes made with a razor are irreversible mistakes, and I'm not comfortable with anything irreversible. But Jen was a woman on a mission this afternoon, and there was no talking her out of it. Not only was I worried about butchering her hair, I was worried about the suffering I would endure if that happened. What about me?! It's one thing to make a horrible mistake—it's another thing to make a horrible mistake with an accomplice. Because you can blame them.

Jen promised she wouldn't be upset with me as long as I did what she said. So I very carefully shaved the back of her hair really short (not bald), and it turned out fine. She looks good—kind of like Posh herself.  I can't even tell you how relieved I am.

So today's What About Me? Wednesday lesson is this: Having an impulsive ADDer for a partner can be really fun. But it can also give you ulcers. You can't have one without the other, so you better learn to enjoy it. Just make them put it in writing that they won’t blame you for going along with their impulsive decisions.

 

Jen's new book, Odd One Out: The Maverick's Guide to Adult ADD, is now shipping. Get your copy today!

Comments

[Hard Spear]

Hi there! I stumbled upon your blog and quickly read everything from February 2007 up till date. It is quite refreshing to see nonADD partner’s view.

My wife and I had a big argument last week. Last night she asked me what the matter is, she sense something is wrong. I just couldn’t tell her… I couldn’t tell her it is because last week during the argument she told me that I attach too much value to having ADD. She said that at times I carry it like a trophy and she gets the idea that I am proud having ADD. She also said that at times, I use it as an excuse for things going wrong in my life. I really feel that she does not recognize the influence having ADD has on my life. I try to get her to read info on ADD, but she’s not really interested. She told me to stop thinking about ADD, stop reading on the net about ADD and that ADD does not define me. I may be irrational, but I feel this comment just proves how little she understands. Of course ADD does not define me. What defines me? Lots and lots of things of which ADD is only one. When I tell her that, she thinks that I am fooling myself.

I feel that she “gets” all the other stuff which is part of my makeup, but the ADD thing – no.

I really appreciate your commitment to try to understand whilst reading your blog. I know it is hard, for it may seem irrational. I understand that it is hard to understand. I understand her feeling hurt because I refuse to wear the shirt she bought me. She spent a lot of time looking for the shirt, thinking it would look nice on me, she got very excited at the prospect of giving it to me. She got very disappointed and angry at my refusal to even fit the shirt. How can I put something on which I cannot even bear touching with my fingertips. Trying to please her I put it on when we go out. Disaster – I cannot wait to get home to take it off. I am unpleasant and cannot participate in conversation because my shirt is freaking me out totally.

Other stuff in your previous posts I’d like to comment on:
Reading more than one book at the same time, many times would be the only way in which I can concentrate enough to finish them.

Packing. My wife and I are opposite stereotypes. She packs like the stereotypical man, whereas I need to take everything I own along. I am an in-case packer. What gets to my poor wife, is that I put everything I want to take along on the bed in the guest room with two large suitcases, and then she has to get everything in somehow. If I am left packing I throw everything in and when I run out of space I round up all our canvass sports bags and shove the rest into that. (Backpacking with Friends through Scotland, they all had a very easy ride with their single backpacks each. On top of the backpack on my back, I had to haul a large suitcase and canvass bag all over the Highlands.) It has to do with the fact that I cannot decide today what I am going to wear for the rest of the week. I need choice every morning. I need several choices of something formal, something casual, something warm, something cool etc to wear when I go away.