Division of Labor in a Mixed ADD Marriage

Jen and I have been asked by a number of people how we split up the household chores. In what I call a "mixed marriage," where one spouse has ADD and the other does not, household chores can be a source of conflict.

A lot of couples follow a "chore chart," where each person takes a turn doing the dishes, taking out the garbage, cooking dinner, etc. But all the charts in the world aren't enough to convince an ADDer to do something they can't stand to do.

So Jen and I split the chores permanently instead of on a turn-taking basis. She always cooks, always does the yard work, and always builds and tends the fires (we use the fireplace every day from October-March). I always do the dishes, always vacuum the house, and always clean the bathrooms. That way, there is no doubt as to who's responsible for what.

There is another important thing to keep in mind when assigning chores. Pretend for a moment that Jen and I are cars. Jen has a 12 gallon fuel tank and I have an 18 gallon fuel tank. That means I can go about 30% farther than Jen without refueling. Nagging her to run on an empty tank is not going to help.

So that's how we manage the housework. It's a great system, but I'll be honest - I am looking forward to someday hiring a housekeeper.

Comments

[John M]

The first chore that often gets overlooked is chore management. What we view as one chore is often filled with several steps that can slow down or halt you ADD spouse from doing a chore.

It would be unrealistic to expect my wife to cook dinner, if there is no food in the house, or if we haven't created a menu. Chores are also more likely to be done, if I can remove physical clutter. The clutter tends to be a mental obstacle that makes it very likely that the chore will be avoided. It could be as easy as simply putting away clean clothes or dishes.

[CT]

Same at our house! Permanent division of labor is good, if it is deemed fair and as long as "coverage" for the other is available during unusual circumstances.

As she works in a Tax accounting firm, the dishes, normally all hers, are mine during Tax Season. Etc.

Besides, the permanent assignments usually mean you get really good at what you do. I don't think I really want her cleaning bathrooms or mowing the lawn. I have those down to a SCIENCE!

CT