So I Married an ADDer

I'll Take Door Number 3!

Jen and I are both big television fans. We're not couch potatoes, but we do have certain shows we never miss (like LOST and Nip/Tuck) and we both like to channel surf as a way to relax and unwind at the end of the day. And we tend to like the same kinds of shows, which is great. A lot of couples butt heads over what to watch.

The only thing that gets to me is that Jen, in typical ADD fashion, goes through television viewing phases. For example, she used to really like shows about home renovation. I got into them, too, because she always had on HGTV.

But then she lost interest (as ADDers do) in the home shows and started watching cooking. Still fine by me. I don't cook, but I like to admire the process from a distance.

Then she moved from cooking to gardening. Then from gardening to travel. From travel, she went to science, then to crime, and now she's into game shows.

Game shows.

I have no problem with game shows, as long as they're not those awful ones on weeknights like Deal or No Deal or Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader. I like the old game shows that air on GSN, the ones from the 70's and 80's like Card Sharks and Tic Tac Dough. Anything with polyester suits. And luckily, those are the ones Jen is into right now.

But I know it's only a matter of time before she pulls the rug out from under me and moves onto another genre! It's so unfair. I get used to watching something, and then it's "Oh I don't care about that show anymore. What else is on?"

I'm happy with the way things are right now. I don't want her to get bored of old game shows and move on to something awful like Sex and the City reruns. Then I'll be forced to find a new way to relax!

 

If you enjoyed this post, subscribe to So I Married an ADDer.

Let me get that for you.

Jen wrote a post on her blog a few weeks ago that people are still discussing in the comments. The original post was about how Jen manipulates me into taking on her responsibilities, but she actually functions much better on her own, without relying on me to pick up the slack.

I wanted to weigh in on this topic, because it's one of the biggest issues in our relationship (and evidently of other people's relationships). I've touched on it before, but it deserves more attention.

There's a second layer to the problem. There are times when Jen guilts me into doing things, but sometimes she doesn't even have to guilt me.

I take on more responsibility around the house because I know it bothers me a lot less than it bothers Jen. That's really the bottom line.

I'll give you an example. Last night, the temperature suddenly dropped to well below freezing, with gusting winds that nearly swept Rascal off his feet. It was Jen's turn to walk the dogs, but knowing how sensitive she is to extreme weather, I took them myself. She didn't try to guilt me into doing it, I just got up and did it, because I didn't want her to "suffer".

Though my intentions may sound noble, it's totally unhealthy to constantly try to shield your partner from life's unpleasantness (someone in the comments referred to it as "over-functioning" for them, which I thought was a perfect description). Everyone has to do things they'd rather not do, and even though Jen is a wonderful person, she's not exempt from that rule.

Not to mention the biggest consequence of over-functioning for Jen -- it interferes with her structure!

The trouble lies in knowing where to draw the line. Take the example of walking the dogs last night. I've got two conflicting bits of information in my head. On the one hand, walking the dogs in the midst of an arctic blast would suck for Jen on a scale of 10 out of 10, where for me it would suck maybe 6 out of 10. But on the other hand, Jen is a healthy and capable adult, and I had walked the dogs several times already that day. Plus, walking the dogs at night is part of Jen's regular routine and structure. It's predictable, and it helps her ADD brain make sense of the world.

Looking at it objectively, the best solution might have been a trade off. Something like, "Honey, I know you hate to go out when it's this cold, so I will walk the dogs if you load the dishwasher." That way, Jen would still have to engage and I wouldn't be over-functioning. Plus, putting it out there gives her the chance to say, "No thanks. Even though it's cold, I could use some fresh air."

The key here is communication. When in doubt, talk it out. I just made that up and it rhymes.

Do you find yourself over-functioning for your ADD partner, out of manipulation or sympathy or both? How could you work it out so things are more balanced?

 

If you enjoyed this post, subscribe to So I Married an ADDer.

Patron of the Arts of Distraction

Just last week, I joined a community choral ensemble so I'd have someplace to sing again (it's been awhile). The people are really friendly and I can tell it's going to be a lot of fun. For the spring season, we're doing a concert of Broadway songs. I'm psyched.

But poor Jen has to come to the concert.

Jen hates musicals to begin with, and coupled with her ADD, sitting through a musical or choral concert is tortuously boring (which makes sense for someone who lives and breathes rock music). Early on in our relationship, I took her to see Sondheim's A Little Night Music at the New York City Opera. Trooper that she is, she sat there for 3 hours with gritted teeth, never letting on that she was going quietly insane from boredom. When I asked her afterwards what she thought about it, she alluded to something about it not being Robert Plant, whoever that is.

But of course I still want her to come to my concert. So I said to her, "Honey, the day of the concert, make sure your cell phone is charged so you can play Tetris."

And she answered, "Oh thanks, but I don't need to play games on my cell phone. Whenever I have to go to something boring, I just come up with a problem that I have to think about or solve. That way when I get bored, I can shift gears and focus on that for awhile."

Good advice for any ADDer that has to endure their partner's boring hobby. I'm sure I would do the same if Guns N' Roses got back together and I was dragged to a concert. Perish the thought.

 

If you enjoyed this post, subscribe to So I Married an ADDer.