Jen wrote a post on her blog a few weeks ago that people are still discussing in the comments. The original post was about how Jen manipulates me into taking on her responsibilities, but she actually functions much better on her own, without relying on me to pick up the slack.
I wanted to weigh in on this topic, because it's one of the biggest issues in our relationship (and evidently of other people's relationships). I've touched on it before, but it deserves more attention.
There's a second layer to the problem. There are times when Jen guilts me into doing things, but sometimes she doesn't even have to guilt me.
I take on more responsibility around the house because I know it bothers me a lot less than it bothers Jen. That's really the bottom line.
I'll give you an example. Last night, the temperature suddenly dropped to well below freezing, with gusting winds that nearly swept Rascal off his feet. It was Jen's turn to walk the dogs, but knowing how sensitive she is to extreme weather, I took them myself. She didn't try to guilt me into doing it, I just got up and did it, because I didn't want her to "suffer".
Though my intentions may sound noble, it's totally unhealthy to constantly try to shield your partner from life's unpleasantness (someone in the comments referred to it as "over-functioning" for them, which I thought was a perfect description). Everyone has to do things they'd rather not do, and even though Jen is a wonderful person, she's not exempt from that rule.
Not to mention the biggest consequence of over-functioning for Jen -- it interferes with her structure!
The trouble lies in knowing where to draw the line. Take the example of walking the dogs last night. I've got two conflicting bits of information in my head. On the one hand, walking the dogs in the midst of an arctic blast would suck for Jen on a scale of 10 out of 10, where for me it would suck maybe 6 out of 10. But on the other hand, Jen is a healthy and capable adult, and I had walked the dogs several times already that day. Plus, walking the dogs at night is part of Jen's regular routine and structure. It's predictable, and it helps her ADD brain make sense of the world.
Looking at it objectively, the best solution might have been a trade off. Something like, "Honey, I know you hate to go out when it's this cold, so I will walk the dogs if you load the dishwasher." That way, Jen would still have to engage and I wouldn't be over-functioning. Plus, putting it out there gives her the chance to say, "No thanks. Even though it's cold, I could use some fresh air."
The key here is communication. When in doubt, talk it out. I just made that up and it rhymes.
Do you find yourself over-functioning for your ADD partner, out of manipulation or sympathy or both? How could you work it out so things are more balanced?
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The concept of structuring everyday normal activities is something that it is taking me a rather long time to "get".
My Add'er is kind of secretive about his structures. Do you think Add'ers are embarassed by having to create structures?
Posted by: Pann | February 18, 2008 at 05:29 PM