For Partners of People with AD/HD: Get the Gear

Before I started working at AMG full time, I had a corporate job in the city. My boss, Mark, was a great guy who loved to dish out advice. He was a big help when we built our house and when we bought our cars. But whenever I raised the subject of having a baby, all he ever had to say was, "They come with a lot of gear."

He was referring to things like car seats, playpens, and strollers. His advice: Buy two of everything and keep one set in the car at all times. That way, you don't have to scramble when it's time to go somewhere. To me, this is great advice for when we actually have a baby, but right now, it's enough of a challenge to get out the door with all of our gear.

I say all the time that I'm going to make a checklist and hang it by the door. Because the way we operate now, Jen and I just shout back and forth to each other:

"DO YOU HAVE YOUR PHONE?"
"YES! DO YOU HAVE THE DIRECTIONS?"
"YES! DO YOU HAVE THE KEYS?"
"SHIT!"

Every time we have to go somewhere, it's the same thing. And we're not the type of people that just grab our purses and head out the door. That would be too easy. If we're going to be somewhere for more than 30 minutes, we roll with fresh coffee, cold water, healthy snacks, pen and paper, and books to read. And if the dogs are with us, it's even worse. I do my best to stay one step ahead and get all our stuff together ahead of time. But I'm not perfect. So we shout back and forth. A lot of times, we end up doubling back when we get to the end of our road because we forgot something.

It's a little easier when Jen goes somewhere by herself, because I can be on standby if (when) she forgets something. I let her in on something the other day that she thought was hysterical. I always hang out by the door for a few minutes after she leaves the house, because she almost always shouts up the basement stairs that she forgot her coffee, or her sunglasses, or one of the five books she's reading. So I hold off on doing whatever I need to do until I know for sure she's got everything in the car.

I think it's time I made that checklist.

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Comments

[Jenni]

A check list doesn't always work, sadly. My husband has ADD, and for our wedding, we were staying at separate houses the night before the event. So, I made him a checklist, and in big, bold, all-caps RED letters, I put (several times): DON'T FORGET THE RING!!!"

Guess what he forgot?

Normally this wouldn't be so bad, but we were getting married in Maryland on a Friday at 5 pm, and the ring was across the Woodrow Wilson bridge in Virginia, which was undergoing construction, and did I mention it was 5:00 on a Friday?

Our wedding started a few minutes late, and I had no idea why until after the ceremony. :)

Good luck, though! I hope they work for you :)

[Traci]

I'm going to have to agree with Jenni. It sounds like a great idea, but just doesn't work. I know this because I've been walking past just such a list for 6 years.

A week after the birth of our son, on a very cold December afternoon, we bundled the poor thing up and went to the store with much of the gear you mentioned to buy additional gear and supplies to feed my in-laws who would be arriving the following day. After 2+ hours of shopping, a diaper change, a trip to the furniture section to find a rocking chair since we weren't very good at the bottle/burping thing yet and could not accomplish it on the go, another diaper change, and a discussion about whose bladder was more full and got to go to the restroom first while the other waited with our brand new precious bundle we finally made our way up to the checkout with 2 carts and $400+ worth of gear and food. Only to find out that ... neither of us had a wallet, checkbook, credit card, cash, or any other method of paying for all that stuff. Just pocket lint. And we hadn't left it in the car, we'dleft it at home. But, to our credit, we'd managed to pack all of our baby's gear so that he did not go hungry or suffer with a wet bottom while we shopped for things we could not buy (the irony, of course, being that if we'd forgotten those things rather than the money, we could have purchased them right there at the store).

So, when we got home, my partner immediately created a list to put on the door to the garage. It included wallet, keys, diaper bag, DIAPERS IN DIAPER BAG, bottles, stroller, car seat ... and because we tend to have a bit of a sick sense of humor ... baby.

We always remembered the baby who was in his car seat, and we did well with the bottles, mostly because our boy starting eating on day 2 of his life and hasn't stopped since (he just turned 6). However, the diaper bag was often diaper-less, we NEVER had the stroller, one of us remembers a wallet, but at least half the time I have to go back in for my keys.

Today, we still have a list. We also have my keys hanging on the door and our son's school folder hanging on the door. Our conversation walking out the door sounds similar to yours, but we don't use so many words ...

BADGE?
(patting belt loop where it attaches) YES.
PHONE?
(patting my pocket or belt) YES.
GLASSES?
YES.
KEYS?
YES.
FOLDER?
(sticking my head in the van) Oliver, do you have your folder?
(in between lightsaber noises) I don't know.
PROBABLY NOT.

When she brings the folder out, she usually brings my keys as well. Now able to start the van and pull out of the garage, the blinding light of the sun makes me realize ... no glasses. Most of the time, as I'm pulling out of the garage with my glasses on she says "Love you, drive carefully, see you tonight". When she thinks she's funny, she says "Love you, drive carefully, see you in a few minutes".

So ... a long way to get to ... neither lists nor walking through each item verbally and requiring an answer works. She also stays near the door to fetch whatever else I've forgotten that day.