For Partners of People with AD/HD: Stop Screwing with My Systems

Jen and I just celebrated our 7th anniversary. When we first got together, I moved into her apartment. She'd been there awhile and had already established a place for all her stuff, so I followed suit. No problem.

But when we moved into our house about 3 years ago, we had to create brand new organizational systems for where things go. Before we ever unpacked, Jen asked if I wouldn't mind if she set up the kitchen cabinets, drawers, refrigerator, and pantry on her own. She's the only one who cooks, so of course I didn't take issue with her request.

Admittedly, I'm a very organized person, but I'm not rigid. Still, Jen has configured the kitchen in a way that makes very little sense to me, and sometimes when I'm not paying attention, I'll put something where it doesn't "belong".

Allow me to illustrate:

Cabinet #1: small appliances, mixing bowls, strainers. Gotcha.
Cabinet #2: barbecue rotisserie, immersion blender, garbage bags. You're losing me.
Drawer #1: spatulas, mixing spoons, ladles. No problem.
Drawer #2: pie plate, cookie cutters, onions. I'm sorry, what?

Uncomfortable as I may sometimes feel with the cabinets and drawers, I rarely screw things up in there. It's the pantry and the fridge that get me every time. Some things in jars, such as peanut butter, go on the second shelf in the pantry; other things in jars, such as coconut butter, go on the third shelf. To me, if it's in a jar, it goes with the other jars. I can't get it right. And, understandably, Jen gets totally thrown off when something is not in its place in the kitchen.

People with ADD need structure, plain and simple. When things are out of order, ADDers tend to get overwhelmed and stressed out. As their partners, we need to be sensitive to that. No matter how crazy their organizational systems may seem to us, we can't screw with them. And we can't force them to do things our way, a way which might not even make sense to them. So even if it feels like you're in Salvador Dali's kitchen, just put the damn peanut butter on the right shelf.

I mean, I know how Jen feels. Like I said, I'm far from rigid--I'm a huge fan of the junk drawer (I have one upstairs and one downstairs)--but when I find things in odd places, it drives me up a wall.

For example, Jen likes to wear bracelets. But rather than keeping them in her jewelry box, she keeps them on the kitchen table. This makes perfect sense to her, because having them there, by her purse and her keys, reminds her to put one on as she's heading out the door. In my mind, accessories are supposed to live in the bedroom, with the clothes. You put them on when you get dressed, not as you're getting ready to leave the house. Seeing all those bracelets on the kitchen table really annoys me.

But that's the key difference: it only annoys me. It doesn't throw me off balance. I can deal with the bracelets being on the table; Jen can't deal with not being able to find the blender when she needs it. Sure, it may seem like no big deal, but when you have a whole day filled with one "no big deal" after another, it becomes a big deal. It's your job to remember that your ADD partner gets overwhelmed easily, and you have to be sensitive to that. You just have to. They put up with your shit, too, you know.

Now wish me luck as I go attempt to make a sandwich.

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Comments

[heyshippy]

I'm so glad to see you posting again. I hope you were able to overcome your family emergency. I truly enjoy listening to your stories about Jen. It really helps me get the picture from a "normal" person's point of view. I can't believe there are other people out there with the same spastic systems that only make sense to them....it's comforting to know and encouraging that people can actually live and be successful and HELP others like them....keep it coming!

[Kerrin Shafer]

OMG! This is me! My poor husband sometimes tries to "help" me out in the laundry room, but often ends up leaving with a bewildered look on his face mumbling something about, heads and tails, and not knowing where to start! I have to tell you though, Jen is damn lucky to have you for a partner! As I was reading some of your previous posts, I was thinking... I need someone like you, who totally understands how I perceive the world and can love me despite the jumbled mess! In the eyes of my husband a diagnosis of ADD is strickly an excuse for lazyness!And I'm thinking..."this is a great 'guy'!" But I just now figured it out! You're not a GUY! Of Course! Women are so much more selfless than men! Thanks for the smiles :)!

[S.J.F.]

So is that why my husband insists on leaving the deodorant on the kitchen counter?! OMG, this is really going to take some getting used to.