For Partners of People with AD/HD: Be Prepared

This past Wednesday, we hosted a great webinar called Get Your Career in Gear (if you missed it, we'll be offering downloads soon--make sure you're on our mailing list). One of our speakers, Ari Tuckman (who we love) gave a fantastic presentation on managing stress and anxiety. In it, he offered this piece of advice: "Give yourself less to worry about by being diligent and setting yourself up for success." In other words, "like the Boy Scouts," he said, "be prepared."

I hear from a lot of girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, wives, and partners who've gotten caught up in the whirlwind of their ADD counterpart's daily lives. The ADDer's habits have eclipsed their own--stuff is everywhere, all decisions are made on the fly, things don't get done until the last minute, everything is an emergency, etc.

They can't take the heat, but they don't see a way out of the kitchen. They don't want to control their partner's every move (and nor should they), but they can't continue to live in what, to them, feels like chaos. I totally get it. And my advice is--be prepared.

I am fortunate that Jen manages her ADD challenges extraordinarily well. I recognize that not everyone's ADD partner has reached the point of managing their daily lives as effectively as Jen does. But successful as she is, Jen does have ADD, and when things get hectic around here (like they have the past few weeks), it can quickly become an ADD household.

What do I mean by ADD household? I mean two things--stuff is in weird places, and nothing is planned for. Where are my shoes? It's anybody's guess. What's for dinner? Oh shit. And then the endless stream of things that need to get done, with no time or energy to do any of them. The house descends into "mayhem and foolishness," like they say on Clean House on the Style network.

No one can live well under those circumstances. So like the Boy Scouts, your best defense is to be prepared. Like Ari said, be diligent. If you come upon a stray sock that the dog has left in the kitchen, don't ignore it. Pick it up and walk it to the laundry bin. If while making your morning coffee you notice there's nothing in the fridge for dinner, don't shrug it off. See if there is something you can defrost. If not, figure out when you can run to the store. If you see dishes are starting to pile up in the sink, don't leave them for later. Take 10 minutes and wash them. You get the idea.

And you have to do it without being resentful. If your ADD husband left a coffee mug in the bedroom, it's not because he was trying to piss you off. Just put the mug back in the kitchen and don't give it a second thought. Remember that your ADD partner isn't necessarily wired for organization, time management, or preparedness in general. So you have to stay one step ahead. Be prepared, be diligent. And take pride in it! I certainly do. It will make your whole family's lives a lot easier.

Do you have any tips for keeping your household from descending into chaos during hectic times? Please feel free to share them in the comments!

 

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Comments

[Caren]

"When the house descends into chaos" seems a funny expression to me because our home has felt like chaos to me since we moved here together.

The best way I've found to cope is to keep learning about ADD, keep reminding myself that the surprises awaiting me when I slide out the cutting board aren't personal, to lower my standards and expectations, and to change my self-image from someone who lives in a beautiful house to someone who lives in a lived-in house.

All the tips you list would be considered "co-dependent" if the ADDer were instead an addict. What you seem to be saying is, it really is up to us, the partners, to go more than 1/2 way because the ADDer cannot.

I'm not happy with the arrangement, but I'm learning to live with it. Each time the familiar knot begins to twist in my tummy, I'm able to untwist it sooner than before. I feel I've acquired "co-ADD" or "Functional ADD" because my highly organized life is gone. But, I'm working on one room that is mine alone and that will be (the plan is) someday very organized -- a sort of sanctuary or retreat. I'm looking forward to it.

[Tony]

One room that is mine works for me. I still need to master where does real ADD ends and unknowingly just blaming ADD begins.

[Jayson]

I agree that being prepared will help deal with ADD and help family and loved ones deal with it too. It's nice to read articles with examples that relate to things happening in my life!

[Katy B.]

I'll tell you my method (as the ADHDer in the relationship)...I say "my dear, we are both very busy right now, and unfortunately that means the house is going to be messy this week...get over it, get your stuff done and when it's all over we can clean together". If there's one thing I've learned as an ADHDer it's that I have to work to take responsibility for my life. But the other important thing I've learned is that the world doesn't end if the house is messy for a week. Just as the ADHDer has to learn to forgive and move on and do their best...maybe partners need to employ this mechanism too. Not forever...just to get through the week and to the other side where both partners can work together to get things back to "normal".

Usually he's willing to go along with this for a few days and when we surface we indeed are able to get things in order together...but last week he was so stressed about it that I simply called my sister and asked her to come clean our house. It's not something I've ever done before, and she was happy to do it. I highly recommend this as a last resort, if you have handy family or friends who are willing to lend a hand on occasion.

Part of my ADHD reality is that I actually err on the side of really stressing myself out trying to be flippin' perfect all the time (which clearly, is futile, lol). I'm learning that some things just aren't worth stressing yourself that badly over in the short term.

[Lindalee]

In a nutshell, my husband of 6 years is ADD. I am at the point of losing my mind on so many levels. I am an organized person, not high maintenance but my husband is in another world.

The hard part for me is that everything falls on my shoulders and if I try and take a break and we go to dinner, etc., I find myself handling all those details too.

He is easily distracted - and when I ask him to wait for me, because I have to park the car, get the food, he disappears.

What should i do?

[S.J.F.]

Reading this makes me terrified - we THINK my husband of a few months has ADHD, and the thought of having to live my life going the extra mile because he "can't" seems absolutely ludicrous to me! Not looking forward to the road ahead...but I guess this is what the pastor meant when he said for better or worse.

[To much on my plate!]

I am with you S.J.F.! I am married not quite a yr with a new baby and a newly diagnosed husband with ADHD. I got him help when I found out that the mortgage was in forclosure because he can't seem to remember to pay it and can't give me a reason why. Anyway, now on top of caring for the baby, working full time, trying to fix the mortgage, grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry etc., I have to do everything for my husband who can't seem to do or find anything. We put him on meds which now cause him to not sleep or eat and he has become mean and agitated so we end up fighting anytime we try to talk. I don't know what happened to the person that I met and I can't help but want to take the baby and leave him. Help!

[Joy]

Oh, I do empathize. We have been married 13 years. It is a hard road, being married to an ADDer. We recently got a diagnosis that our 7 year old son is ADHD with dyslexia. With that new knowledge the light bulb went on about what was causing my husband's habits, though he won't admit it and half insist our son is "just being a boy". His "out" as many ADDers have is to SLEEP. 2-3 hour naps almost every Saturday and Sunday. And other than sleeping, his time off is "let's take it easy and relax this weekend" = which equals "let's do NOTHING". It's up to me to "police" everything and make all decisions. It's up to me to track (and do most) home maintenance. It wears me out! Hence, I struggle with depression and I'm already predisposed to it anyway. Family is at least two hours away. It is like I am married to a 70 year old body with a 15 year old brain. I do have a sweet baby girl who is 4 now. I am so thankful for our "normalcy". How do I deal with it? Hmmm.... Faith. Grace. Forgiveness. Knowledge. Truth. Good Friends. Support Group. Exercise (I wish I could be more consistent with this one). I like the "my own room" idea listed above. Might try that. Might be "my corner" of the room. Anyway... gotta go pick up that boy. I'm with ya'. I get it too. Best wishes.